Dear Blog, Can You Hear Me?

While I have shared little tidbits of my trials and tribulations as a stay at home mom, I have not felt that it was the proper venue for complaints. Inevitably, there will be someone who reads this who thinks "she doesn't know how lucky she is to get to stay at home with her kids. I have to work. I don't have a choice." All I can say is AT TIMES I do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But after 2 years there are many, many times I feel mentally and physically exhausted and I struggle to find joy in getting to stay home.
After a particularly hard day today I need someone to listen to me for a change. And my blog is the only one that I can talk to who won't talk back. Here goes nothing. My kids are both sick and sleeping on different schedules, Tony has only been home 2 days in the last week and I don't have anyone to turn to (or at least that is the way that I feel.) Maybe I am not maternal? Maybe my daughter is more "spirited" than most? Maybe this is normal? Anyway you slice it, having a job and letting someone fight some of the battles seems enormously easier than doing this day in and day out. Part of me is so upset that I don't have more patience. Part of me is pissed off that I cannot find joy everyday in raising my kids. Part of me is sad that I gave up a career that I loved. Part of me wonders what would really make me happy? Part of me is sick of constantly questioning myself. Am I giving in on too much stuff? Am I too much of a hard ass? It doesn't seem like anything works. If I say "you can choose this or that" she tells me she wants something else. If I say "do you want to pick out your clothes today?" she tells me no and then tells me that she doesn't want to wear what I pick out. It is so tiring. Even Tony sees the struggles. Last Friday he and Cienna flew to Tucson to pick up his new truck. That evening when they returned she immediately started whining to me and asking me to hold her. Tony couldn't figure it out. It is like a total personality change when I am introduced to the situation. She goes from being happy and independent with dad to needy and clingy with me. I don't get it. And boy does everyone have an opinion. Try this...do that. Believe me, I have tried it all. I have read the books. I not only read the parenting magazines I subscribe to them!
OK, I feel a little better just venting. Tomorrow is another day. I saw a commercial yesterday for a new show called "Parenthood." One of the lines was "becoming a parent is like hitting white water rapids. You don't have any choice but to keep paddling." That is the best advice that I have gotten in a long time. Just keep paddling....
In closing, I wanted to share the top ten things that go through my mind everyday. I am not being cute or funny. This is for real.
1. When will Tony be home? What is his schedule for his day off? Is there any time during his day that I can escape for an hour? (BTW, an hour is not enough time to do anything. Everywhere in ABQ takes 20 minutes to get to. 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back means only 20 minutes doing whatever it is that you went to do.)
2. Should I tell Cienna now that we need to get dressed sometime in the next 20 minutes or wait until the last possible minute to avoid 20 minutes of whining?
3. What should I have for lunch today? What the hell does it matter since I don't get time to eat my lunch anyway?
4. Is that AJ crying? Shit, shit, shit!
5. If Zeus pees on the tile one more time I am going to open the front door and let him run out. (Then I hear a bump in the night and I am so glad that he is with me!)
6. Since when did my free time consist of sitting on the couch folding laundry? That is not free time. Free time would be being able to lay on the couch and watch Real Housewives of Orange County without anyone talking to me!
7. Seriously, how many times can one girl pee to avoid taking a nap? Every 10 minutes this girl needs to squirt a little out. It drives me mad! (And I know what you are thinking...you should be happy that she is finally potty trained!)
8. These are the best years of my life, these are the best years of my life, these are the best years of my life. THESE ARE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!
9. Is it wrong to want to pee with the bathroom door shut?
10. OK, just kidding. I have really screwed this up. Can I start over?

Thank you for listening.

Firsts

This past week was full of firsts for the Mazotti family:

AJ started "officially" eating food. First applesauce, then bananas, now squash. And he went for his first ride in a swing...


We headed up to the cabin last Thursday and Cienna went snowshoeing for the first time...


We bought a new truck on eBay for the first time...


And Tony and I spent our first Valentine's Day as a family of four!

Our Local Hero

Just a quick note to brag about my husband. He made the front page of the newspaper two days in a row! Tony is part of a special unit called the Heavy Tech Rescue Squad and his fire station helped recover the remains of a man buried 8 years ago by his wife. For some reason they really liked Tony...and made him a star! The local news had been running the story with footage for a couple of days and the phone kept ringing with our friends saying "is that you on the news? We knew it had to be because you are the biggest fireman out there!" Way to go T! And way to go Station 3!


Station 3, Squad 2 (Tony is in the upper left with the red helmet)

Our other top story is that Cienna officially began potty training yesterday with great success. She has only had 2 accidents (which I am very impressed about!) and although she tried to say that she wanted a pull up diaper, we are NOT looking back! The candy is stocked, her vast assortment of Disney character panties is ready for action, and we are officially entering the "big girl" zone!

More Dr. Drama

The Mazotti family has seen their fair share of doctors this past year and I am just putting it out there that I am ready for this to stop. Between Tony's Achilles surgery, blood clot and kidney stones, AJ being born and my gallbladder, both kids getting the stomach bug in the last 30 days, I am so over Presbyterian Hospital. And after this last week, I can't wait until July when I can renew my tax free contributions to medical care. We have already plowed through the $800 I allocated for this year.
Friday morning we visited pediatric urgent care to have Cienna's tongue looked at. Thursday morning she jumped down from the dining room table and almost bit completely through her tongue. There wasn't that much blood and it certainly didn't keep her from eating and drinking the rest of the day so I wasn't that concerned. Well concerned enough to send Tony pictures at the fire station and have the paramedics look at it but not concerned enough to take her to the doctor. Anyway, the next morning the part that she had bit through had turned white! It was gnarly. Come to find out that part of the tongue had died and it would simply "fall off." Nice!
Sunday I visited urgent care after a small rash that had developed on my chest became very painful. Turns out that I have shingles! I am seriously falling apart. For all of my friends reading this who have not turned 30 yet all I have to say is GOOD LUCK with that! I hit 30 and I might as well qualify for the senior discount with the way that I feel.
I also went to the surgeon last week and they have scheduled my gallbladder removal for March 31st. They say that my body should adjust to not having a gallbladder 4-6 weeks after the removal which is good because I am going to Mexico in May and I am going to need functioning intestines by then. Lord above, please let us be healthy again!